Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:   1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.       2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.        3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.       4. A dog's parents never visit.       5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.       6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.       7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..         8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.       9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"   10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.         11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert..       12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting. 13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.        And last, but not least:       14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.   To test this theory: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

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DOG DIARY

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 PM - Ran back and forth in the hall! My favorite thing!

5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 PM - Got to play tug! My favorite thing!

8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.

I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of.

However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little
hunter' I am. Bastards!

They continue to pick me up and handle me, an obvious attempt to subvert me.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.

I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.

However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.'

I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors

by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow
----- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released -- and seems
to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

Tonight I will again lay on their heads while they sleep and hope to smother them.

WHEN I AM OLD

When I am old...
I will wear soft gray sweatshirts.
and a bandana over my silver hair...
and I will spend my social security checks on wine and my dogs.
I will sit in my house on my well-worn chair
and listen to my dogs breathing.
I will sneak out in the middle of a warm summer night
and take my dogs for a run, if my old bones will allow...
When people come to call, I will smile and nod
as I show them my dogs...
and talk of them and about them...
...the ones so beloved of the past
and the ones so beloved of today...
I will still work hard cleaning after them,
mopping and feeding them and whispering their names
in a soft loving way.
I will wear the gleaming sweat on my throat,
like a jewel, and I will be an embarrassment to all...
especially my family...
who have not yet found the peace in being free
to have dogs as your best friends...
These friends who always wait, at any hour, for your footfall...
and eagerly jump to their feet out of a sound sleep,
to greet you as if you are a God,
with warm eyes full of adoring love and hope
that you will always stay,
I'll hug their big strong necks...
I'll kiss their dear sweet heads...
and whisper in their very special company....
I look in the mirror... and see I am getting old....
this is the kind of person I am...
and have always been.
Loving dogs is easy, they are part of me.
Please accept me for who I am.
My dogs appreciate my presence in their lives...
they love my presence in their lives...
When I am old this will be important to me...
you will understand when you are old,
if you have dogs to love too.

-- author unknown

  TO: GOD
FROM: THE DOG

Dear God: Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?

Dear God: Why do humans stop to smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, stop to smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around in a convertible? How often do you see a stingray riding in the back of a pickup truck? We dogs do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God: If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?

Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please!

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, and I bite one, will I have to apologize?

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I please have my testicles back?
 

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